Before we get into today’s extremely introspective post, let’s first have a little re-cap of this month’s content, in case you missed anything:
- Review of my 2017 business goals
- Spring walk video
- A little lesson about tea
- Discussion about Spring and Easter
- Guide to giving up plastic drinks bottles
- My current non-fiction reading list
- Notebook DIY video
- Thoughts on the benefits of meditation
- A Spring playlist
- Adventure up a hill with my parents
- My Happy Highlights from April
So that was then. Now things are changing…..
I am an ever evolving creature. I go through many seasons. And as these seasons come around again, I recognise patterns. Then gradually, very gradually, I can begin to see what I need and what I want. At times like this, when the season is changing, I often miss the signs, and start giving up. That’s how I feel now. Distracted, discouraged, depressed. Ready to give up.
Or maybe just ready to change.
I think, in these bright and beautiful Spring blossoms lies something good. I want to draw again. I want to explore paint, and digital art, stories, new universes and strange and complex characters and their adventures. Maybe in six more months when the heat has become too much, I will long for the autumn when I can shed my leaves and I’ll sing songs again. I just don’t know.
I want to help others. Yet maybe all my tutorials, and ‘here’s how to do this’, and ‘you should really be doing this’, is too much ‘tell’, and not enough ‘show’. I often feel like I’ve missed out and I’m not as good as I could be in one area, because I’ve spent so much time going back and forth. And all this time, here I am.
I need to express myself, and often don’t know how, and then I just don’t at all, and everything gets blocked up. Maybe this blog could be more of a diary. Less of a telling you to do this and that, and more of a here’s how I’m feeling, and here’s something creative that I’ve been working on.
The people who know me have seen me as a musician. And to them I have now given up on music. They want me to be a musician. And I am sure they want me to be happy. I want them to be happy; happy on their own. I don’t want to have to be a musician to make people happy. Besides, I am still and always will be a musician, and I am extremely proud of the skills and passion I have, but at this present time, I do not feel a need to share it.
I’m just in a new season now. I don’t think things can truly be given up. Music has such an irreversible grip on my soul that I don’t think it could ever disconnect from me. It is also such an emotional experience for me; every time I hear or perform music, it is often overwhelming. So as a new season came last September those leaves fell, but they are rotting back into my roots, and continue to feed me every day. Some of them have blown away, but that’s fine.
So, enough of all the metaphors. Here’s the deal. Things are going to be changing in the next few months, and I don’t know what that will look like. It’s hard to enjoy the present when the future is so hazy, but I am trying.
I think I may stop the ‘regular feature’ type posts, and get a bit more honest and real with you all. I don’t get that many views on my blog yet, so I feel at liberty to be a little inconsistent, and not meet all my promises.
I constantly set up these things that I need to follow through on, such as my Love Lessons, Creative Alternatives, Happy Highlights, Random Round-up, Playtime, Idol Eyes, Artist Dates… and that’s just on my blog. I’ve had songwriting projects, drawing projects, and most recently my doll project which is what sparked ‘Sunray Sister’. I have endless little ‘project’ ideas that I variously stick to and then abandon. Once something is created, that is not enough to me. It needs to connect to something, to lead to something, to continue without end. I often don’t know when to stop; I run over deadlines and arrive late, maybe because I don’t like leaving or finishing… I’m always analysing and perfecting and finding faults.
And here I am typing all this, as Fraz tells me about how the universe was created from one single-molecule element; that I’ve seen more of the surface of the moon than I have the surface of the earth; that we live closer to t-rex, than the t-rex lived to the stegosaurs; and we never truly touch anything due to the distance between atoms.
None of this makes me sad. It actually makes me feel enlightened, because all of my overwhelming worries don’t matter anymore. That’s why I want to help others, to get out of my own troubles. But then all these global troubles – plastic pollution, homelessness, deluded politicians, murdering innocent beings – sit on my shoulders and weigh me down. So even if I am just a minute speck in this universal existence, I could at least be the brightest spark of a speck.
So that’s now, but where next?
The plan of action for Sunray Sister:
- Retreat = Step back from all my Sunray Sister online accounts, go offline for a bit.
- Reflect = Look at everything I’ve done, and ask what I truly want.
- Refocus = Come back to Sunray Sister online with a new, clearer view.
The goals for this blog:
- Less tell, more show.
- Honest, true and personal.
- Be organised and have posts ready in advance.
- Fewer ‘series’ posts, but more real projects to share progress and behind-the-scenes on: characters, stories, paintings, dolls, drawings. Real work to build up a proper art portfolio.
Well, as you might expect in a long, rambling post like this, I send you thanks and congratulations for reading this far! What are your thoughts? Have you had similar struggles in your creative career? I’d love to hear how you are working through it! Let me know in the comments or on social media.
Coming this week…
- A new YouTube video on Wednesday, find my latest one below.
- The last week of my Etsy sale!!!
- A post on Friday to let you know about my digital detox, and how long I’ll be offline for!
Peace and love,